Loud Arsehole Dad, Captain Argument and... A Flare

Games 24-26, 2022-23

In the centre of the city there are 15 minutes to go in this toxic, fractious, foul-flooded U19 game. Yet again, there's a player on the ground clutching some part of his leg, and an exasperated opponent with hands held up, claiming innocence. As I check on the player's welfare, there's another collective cry from behind me, even though the ball's out of play. What now? I turn around to see red flames and a cloud of smoke wafting across the artificial surface. One of the away contingent has thrown a flare on to the field. Every weekend, we mine a new depth of shithousery.

A home team official runs on to pick it up and extinguish it. He's the same official I asked at the start of the match to provide two field marshals in yellow vests, as required by the competition rules. They never materialised. I wouldn't normally have asked, but the away team has a certain reputation, and it's not a fantastically good one. Their following - and in case you're wondering, it's definitely not common for U19 away teams to bring fans along - has been loud throughout. Shite rap music ('Turn it off!' My order); standing on the wrong side of the perimeter fence ('Get behind the barrier!' - me again, always the asshole spoiling everyone's fun); the occasional smell of weed (not going to get involved in that discussion); and exaggerated reactions to every tackle and refereeing decision (they're just being 'fans', I suppose - nothing I can do about that). When I yellow-card the home team's right back directly in front of them, there's a huge cheer in my name: "Yes, referee! Go, referee!"

The Fan Who Cried 'Scandal!'

Games 22-23, 2022-23

It's a sporting truth that the spectators on the touchline know the laws of the game much better than the qualified referee in the middle of the park. Accordingly, we hear from them all the time. In the second half of Sunday's game, following a corner kick cleared by the defending away team, I stay in position so that I'm standing directly in line with the defence as the home team plays the ball back into the danger area. Their number 6 is standing a yard offside, inside the 6-yard box, but moves back into an onside position to receive the pass.

He's about to turn and score when I blow my whistle and raise my arm, and of course he's frustrated. He blasts the ball out of play and curses, though not directly at me, so I don't show the yellow card - his team is five goals in arrears, so I let it go. I make the air traffic control gesture to indicate that he's come back to receive the ball from an offside position. Behind me, though, a lone spectator begins to bellow long and loud to the autumnal sky, finishing with the words, "That's an absolutely disgraceful decision! That's a scandal!" Among a crowd of maybe 60-70 people, I hope that at least one of them explains to him why he's shouting shite.