Thank you very much for the early yellow

Games 12-14, 2021-22

Three very quiet matches in a row, perhaps due to them all being one-sided, but also helped in two games by me being able to set the tone for the 90 minutes. That is, the players give me the perfect opportunity to show an early yellow.

Both are boys' U19 games, the first one a cup quarter-final. A home defender strongly disagrees with my throw-in call just five minutes into the game, cursing and throwing the ball down hard against the ground. Young man, that's not the kind of behaviour we want to see here tonight, I say loudly (and much less diplomatically), so that players and spectators alike get the message. In the book he goes, and he's the only one of the night until a team-mate joins him five minutes before the end, for the same offence. Having made the decision to be ruthless on dissent this season, the yellow card now comes out of the pocket without me stopping to think about its necessity. It's the Law, lad.

In game 13, it's a hard, late challenge from an away team defender in the third minute, but initially I play advantage because the ball has run onto an attacker in space. That move fizzles out, but the ball stays in play for a good two minutes. I'd planned to show the defender the yellow card at the next stoppage, but then I start to doubt the decision. Will anyone even remember the offence by then? The more time you have to think about a decision, the harder it can be to decide if it's the right one. Ask any VAR.

He's back! Oh Danny boy, I love you so...

Game 22, 2020-21

I get a call at 4pm. Can I referee a men's game at 8? It's raining and cold and it's almost November, and I'd planned to be on the sofa watching Rangers v Lech Poznan in the Europa League. I know, the wild life I lead. But I say yes because I'm useless at saying no. After I hang up, I get the e-mail and I see the teams, and there I see his name. He's listed as a substitute, assistant coach and team manager for the away side. Oh joy, oh joy, it's my lovely Danny boy.

 

Missing this, but later
 sharing the same emotion

I haven't seen Danny since I sent him off in The Game From Hell last year. For that he received a three-month ban. The time before that when I dismissed him, he was fined €150. Also in the line-up tonight are four players from that U19 line-up he was coaching, including the player red-carded for head-butting an opponent in the gut, and the defender who came in to my changing room to put a two-cent coin on my table in lieu of full payment (I've still not been paid for the game). Tonight they are all standing outside the changing room when I arrive and break into exasperated laughter when they see me. Good to know they haven't forgotten that game either.

As I did at the weekend, I speak to both trainers about the need for absolute peace on the field, and that I will call off the game if a single player screams anywhere close to my face. At the toss-up, I check with both captains that the teams have got the message. They have. Off we go.

Those lads who were so bolshie, macho and aggressive in the U19s are remarkably quiet now that they are playing with men, not boys. They are also getting spanked. By half-time they are 4-1 down, troubling the scoreboard only thanks to a clumsy own goal from the home team. So, at half-time, three players are subbed out. Danny's time has come to turn the game around as a striker...

Don't let your mind wander during one-sided games

Game 9, 2016-17

Boys under-17, it's the first round of the Cup on a close late summer's night. I can already tell by watching the away team as I warm up that this game's not going into extra time. The goalkeeper's not a goalkeeper, they only have eleven players, and there's a certain lack of intensity to their pre-match drills compared with the well synchronised home team. Okay, make that a complete lack of intensity.

Don't think of beauty sleep 
while you're reffing

The away team play with one forward, a striker with the mobility of a cruise ship in a swamp. The passes played up to him seem clouded in a heavy pessimism as they leave the defender's foot. They come straight back and the pressure is unforgiving. The home team's goalkeeper doesn't get a touch of the ball until the 30th. minute, by which time his side is already 4-0 up.

The temptation for the referee is to switch off and discount the game. To start planning in my head what I'm going to be doing tomorrow. To make a mental list of the 92 English league clubs, and to tally how many of their grounds I've been to. To name all the Tanya Donelly solo albums.

You have to remember to keep concentrating, though, because this game is still important to all the 22 players. The lads on the home team - fit, slick, and focused - are all playing for their starting spots. Against an opponent like this, they sense the chance to get on the score sheet. Every pass, run and tackle is a stage in their development and a snapshot of their youth. Maybe by tomorrow I won't remember the central midfielder's cracking shot from 30 yards out, but he might re-live it for years.

Their opponents too never give up for one second, despite being outclassed in every conceivable way. One midfielder has no football talent whatsoever, but doesn't stop running for the whole 80 minutes. When he finally makes a successful clearance late in the game, I almost cheer out loud. At one point, his side string together five successive passes, and their coach and some of the parents yell out praise and encouragement.

There are no yellow cards, and only one murmur of dissent. Honestly, the away team seems to enjoy the game as much as their victorious opponents. Final score: 14-0.

Click here to order Reffing Hell: Stuck In The Middle Of A Game Gone Wrong by Ian Plenderleith (Halcyon Publishing), published on August 8, 2022.