A referee sent to test my purported sporting values

Yadder yadder.

As well as refereeing most weekends, I coach two teams. The boys' U16 team that has the dubious privilege of my tactical knowledge receives a lecture before every game about respecting the opponent, respecting their fellow player and, above all, respecting the referee. "Please, don't even talk to him. Accept their decisions. Let our captain politely address any concerns."

Often I know the referees and we'll have a chat before kick-off. I tell them not to hold back on yellow cards for dissent from my players, because I'm trying to teach them basic sporting values. If the ref has a good game, I'll tell them so. If they don't, I shake their hand and thank them for turning out. Even those who seem to me like poor officials are rarely to blame for the result. In fact the worst ref we'd had all season was in charge for two of the games we've actually managed to win.

Then this past weekend, I faced a new trial as a coach. A severe test of everything that I preach on this blog about decency, self-control and fair play. Because the only thing I can say about the referee consists of the following four words: Oh. My. Fucking. God.

Sorry's not always the hardest word

Game 15, 2018-19

  

It's rarely a good thing when a player you sent off the field three minutes before the end of the match walks towards you at the final whistle. In this case, the number 8 of the home team. It's a U19 game, so it was a five-minute time penalty that had followed an earlier yellow card.

A different kind of card

What had happened? In the 83rd minute of a most unfriendly and foul-ridden 'friendly' game, he had come in late on an opponent and left him on the floor, with no apology. He moaned about the yellow card for the foul, and I asked him kindly to keep it shut. Four minutes later he shoved over a different opponent, and complained again when I blew the whistle. This time I invited him to take a break on the touchline. He walked off without further protest.

So what does he want with me at the final whistle?

What's the point of re-taking an illegal goal kick?

Game 14, 2018-19

There's one football Law that I dislike in particular. A given team is taking a goal kick, and the goalkeeper, say, plays it short to a defender on the edge of the area. There is no attacking player anywhere near the defender - that is, the opposing team are not part of the current craze for pressing, or counter-pressing, or whatever the 1001 Apostles of Klopp are calling it this week. 

The defender receives the ball just inside the penalty area, or on the line of the penalty area. The law says that you have to blow the whistle and make them take it again. The same if it's a free-kick taken from within the penalty area. So you're faced with the following choices:

1. You blow and insist on the re-take. Everyone sighs, some might utter an epithet. Bloody hell, ref, does it matter? Such a trivial stoppage for, really, nothing. The Germans have a great word for it - kleinlich, which covers petty, fussy, pedantic and nit-picking all in one. Sometimes Bundesliga refs will be marked down in kicker magazine for being kleinlich, and to me there's no greater criticism. I think I'd rather be called useless, inept, blind and corrupt.

The Mouthy Pensioner, 'Your Mother' insults, and "It's still 0-0!"

Game 13, 2018-19

There were some regular features in last night's game that anyone who plays or refs in local leagues will instantly recognise. Let's take it from the top:

A coach, yesterday.

* Pre-match - the coach who hasn't got his player passes ready. It's like listening to a scruffy schoolboy explain why he hasn't done his homework. "They're in my car," he says. Well, could he go and fetch them, please? "I'm parked way over on the other side of the ground! There are only ten minutes to kick-off - can't I give them to you at half-time?" No, I want them now, otherwise we don't start the game. "But I'm an old man!" Then send a young substitute with your car key and I'm sure we'll have them in no time. Eventually I get them, and they've not even been chewed by the dog.

* 'Your mother' insults. It's been a while since I've had one of these staples of the amateur game. The away team's number 8 is chasing down the home team's right-back, who successfully shepherds the ball out of play for a goal-kick. Out of nowhere, the number 8 aggressively squares up to him and I go over to separate the two. "He insulted my mother!" whines the number 8...

When there's violence behind your back

Games 11-12, 2018-19

There are 15 minutes to go in a dirty and unpleasant U19 game. I've already shown five yellow cards and delivered several short lectures. The home side's number 6 plays a pass forward, challenged from the front by the away side's left back, the number 4. The two collide, but there's no 'after-foul', so I quickly follow the path of the ball. It's been received and controlled by the home player's team-mate when I hear cries of outrage and look back to see the number 6 and 4 squaring up and pushing each other in the chest.

"Ref, ref, he said/did this or that!"

I don't know exactly what happened, because I barely saw it out of the corner of my eye. I'm told by several home players that the away defender, number 4, kicked out at the number 6. If that was the case, and if I'd seen it, then obviously it was a straight red card. Unfortunately, I didn't see it. After I've separated the two, and listened to them both complain loudly about the other, I can only give number 4 a yellow for unsporting behaviour (pushing his opponent in the chest). I explain to the number 6 that my eyes were already on the next passage of play, so I can not punish what I didn't see. Even if I can tell from the players' reactions what almost certainly did happen.

A Full Moon and the Perfect Friendly

Game 10, 2018-19

"We have some guest players, but they don't have player passes," the two coaches tell me half an hour before kick-off. "As it's a friendly, is it okay if they play?" The clubs played against each other last summer, and they all get along. They promise me that there will be no problems.

Last night's full moon calms the players down

And what does the obstinate referee say to that? There's a part of me, as always, that just wants to so say, "Give them jerseys, I don't care." There's another part of me imagining one of the guest players starting a ruckus - with a team-mate, an opponent, or with me. There's violence and blood, and he runs from the field never to be seen again. Who was he? No one really knows, or no one's willing to say. And my referee overlords want to know, "Why on earth did you let someone play without a pass? Now we have an assault case on our hands and possibly a civil law suit."

The Moaners in the Snow

Game 9, 2018-19

It's snowed all morning, and I hold off leaving the house in case there's a late call to postpone the match, a lunch-time kick-off in the City B League. It isn't that I necessarily want the game to be called off, but the prospect of several hours of unexpected free time on a Sunday afternoon has its attractions.

Just about playable, with help from a shovel.

So because I leave the house later than usual, and cycle at first to the wrong ground, I end up arriving cold and wet with just half an hour until kick-off. There's half an inch of snow on the grass pitch, but both teams are eager to play. "Have you got an orange ball?" I ask after looking at the surface, which is moist underneath. They do. Will they promise to play sensibly and help me out with touchline calls? Oh, of course.

Things start gently enough as the players adjust to the conditions. There are numerous short passes that get stuck in the snow, and several players from both sides flail for balance and slide around on their arses. I wonder whether or not it was wise to let them loose. The home team goes 1-0 up after 15 minutes with a penalty for a full-on foul by the away team's captain. He's the only one who bothers to complain, citing the word "body", which you hear a lot. It translates as, "Football is a physical sport, so what's wrong with me recklessly charging into a player and flattening him?"

Preparing for teams with atrocious disciplinary records

Game 8, 2018-19

A freezing night, a cinder pitch, and a relegation battle in the city's A League between two men's teams who are not only very low in the standings, but last and fourth-last in the disciplinary table. Between them, they've managed 16 red cards this season (eight apiece), with the home side racking up six straight reds and an almost impressive 57 yellows in just 19 games. 

Home team's appeal: "Fair Play - also applies
please to PARENTS and FANS. Thank you!"

I spend the ride to the ground pondering the best way to broach this in my pre-match speech. Sometimes I think about saying nothing at all, and that instead I should try and come across as silent, stern and unapproachable. I used to know a ref in the US who'd come to games glowering like a pensioner at a swingers' club, wearing a hoodie and dark glasses and looking like he was about to discharge a semi-automatic on both teams (always a possibility in the US). He was told either to quit or drop the attitude - he was scaring the kids, and the parents too.

I'm not much good at looking like the hard man, though. My first instinct when I meet the coaches is always to smile, introduce myself and shake their hands. No one likes an asshole, and why get things off on the wrong footing? So as we line up to take the field I give them my usual speech about my invisible linesmen and add, "By the way, I've seen the Fair Play table and it's an ugly sight. So, for God's sake, try and play football and enjoy the game." Cue shit-eating grins from both teams.

Grown-ups in a mass brawl - thanks for setting an example, dear parents

Game 7, 2018-19

I'm back at the club whose name translates as 'Friends of Sport', where in almost four years I've never yet had a sporting or a friendly experience. Where to begin? It was a boys U17 game, with around 30-40 spectators. I'm just going to translate a truncated version of my disciplinary report, seeing as it took me half of Saturday evening to write. 

He's got something to say,
and he's gonna say it...

"The first half was played in a fair and peaceful atmosphere, but all this changed in the last 20 minutes of the game when both sides - with the score at 2-2 - sensed that they had a good chance to win. In this increasingly hectic and niggly phase of the game there were six yellow cards and a time penalty due to reckless fouls, unsportsmanlike conduct, and dissent.

"The coaches remained quiet almost until the final whistle, and indeed from my point of view there had been no controversial decisions. Then, in the 79th. minute [of an 80-minute game], there was a reckless foul by the away team's number 23 against the home team's number 7 right in front of the away bench. The number 23 received a yellow card for the foul...

10 things amateur referees hate to see or hear

Games 5-6, 2018-19

What are the 10 things I least want to see or hear when I'm refereeing a game of football?

1. The shout for "Offside!" almost every single time a forward is through alone on goal. It comes from the defenders, it comes from the coaches, it comes from the spectators - a one-word vocal plague of ignorance upon the amateur game. During Saturday's game, a goalkeeper saved a free-kick and then complained that the player who followed it up to score was offside. How did he see that when he was saving the kick? He went on about it so much (and I tried to ignore him, but he ran after me almost all the way to the half-way line screaming, "Offside! Offside!") that he ended up with a yellow card.

2. "You have to call fouls against both teams!" This usually comes from a losing coach or one of his players. Oh, really? I thought I was just supposed to call fouls against your team as a heaven-ordained test of your patience...