Back to reffing (and wanting to pack it all in)

Games 48-50, 2021-22

I've been out for over a month due to travel, illness and injury (Game 48, which I hobbled through following a hamstring strain on 20 minutes - "You weren't any slower than most of the refs we get," according to the home team), and in this time Fifa has instituted a new rule that the side in arrears is allowed to 1. constantly moan at the referee and 2. blame the referee should the game end in defeat. This has always been an unspoken law of football, so I'm pleased that it has now apparently been set in Zürich's cold, black ink. Both losing teams this weekend are right on top of it.

One man and his dog, later
heard to bark, "The ref's shit!"

Game 49 is a level 10 men's game in the city on a cool Friday evening. The home team has a reputation for having mastered the gifts of ref-targeting rhetoric, but I've never had a problem with them for one simple reason - up until tonight, they've always been the winning team. They're a lovely bunch of lads when things are going their way. But the psychologists among you will be staggered to hear that their behaviour takes a dive when the scoreboard's down. The tactics then play out as follows:

* Lost out in a fair but competitive fight for the ball? It can only be because your opponent fouled you. But the shyster masquerading as a neutral match official has failed to give it! Let him know what you think about that, and make sure you use plenty of hectic gestures and a raised voice just in case he's too dim to get the message.

* Fouled your opponent? Not possible! This team would never foul an opponent! And yet, the ref's at it again. He's given the free-kick against you, despite your entire XI comprising harp-playing angels personally selected by the most senior deities in Paradise for their virtue and impeccable character. The so-called foul is an outrage that you must immediately try to rectify by lodging more protests.

* Fouled? Moan at the referee about the foul, even after he has blown the whistle and given you the free-kick. After all, why pass up an opportunity to complain?

The away team knows that I'm no fan of dissent. My daughter, who's here shooting footage of the game, overhears them referring to me as "the Brit with the blog". They stay calm and disciplined the entire night. The home team end up with nine players on the field, and much of that's down to cautions issued for talking back and yelling at me. Their number 4 should have been red-carded early on for a vicious challenge, but I was lenient and only showed him a yellow. He spends the rest of the game moaning at me until I send him off. Afterwards, he passes me in the club house and fires off a few more comments, just in case I haven't got the message. Got to stay classy until the lights go out. 

Two spectators chew me out as I'm leaving the field. Disgraceful performance, call yourself a referee etc. I get my expenses without a word of thanks or even a good night, or even a word of any kind. I suppose I should just be grateful that they've stopped complaining. That I now think their club stinks is obviously of no importance to them. And that one day I'll be back here with all the negative impressions this night has left behind. Refs never forget a club with a shitty culture. 

On Sunday I'm way up in the vineyards of the Rheingau, west of the city, for a level 8 game. The away side is 2-0 down after 15 minutes and, guess what, the second goal is my fault. It was offside. But was it? From where I was standing, it looked like the ball was played backwards to the forward. No linesmen, so it's my call. The goalkeeper (who is also the captain) runs all the way out of his goal to yell at me. "Don't you know the rules?" another player asks. On the touchline, the coach is incandescent. I ignore them all.

In injury time they almost pull a goal back, but the goalkeeper runs back and scoops the lobbed shot off the line. Was it in? It's impossible for anyone to see bar the goalkeeper, who says it was no goal, and I have to rely on his honesty in the absence of Hawkeye. Needless to say, everyone on the away team claims that the ball fully crossed the line because they all have Hawkeye's technology built into their brains. Right after that, it's the final whistle. "With the offside goal and our goal at the end, it should have been 1-1!" screams the goalkeeper, who had a great view of the final incident from his penalty area 100 meters away. "Your mistakes have cost us a point!" His coaches and team-mates vociferously back him up as I leave the field once again feeling nothing but the joy and warmth that only collective sport and leisure can provide. It's great to be back (to thinking about packing it in). 

Game 48: 2-1 (4 x yellow)
Game 49: 0-3 (2 x yellow, 2 x time-penalty, 1 x red)
Game 50: 2-0 (3 x yellow)

Want to read more? Click here to order Reffing Hell: Stuck In The Middle Of A Game Gone Wrong by Ian Plenderleith (Halcyon Publishing), published on August 8, 2022.