"Excuse me, but we would like to form a wall." Too late, mate

Games 11-12, 2024-25

Second half of a boys' U15 game. The goalkeeper of the away team comes out of his penalty area and carelessly picks up a through-ball with his hands. I blow for the free-kick, he puts the ball on the ground, and begins to run backwards. A forward on the home team looks at the ball, looks at me, and then says, "I can take the free-kick, right?" Of course, I reply. He runs up to the ball, chips it over the goalkeeper's head into the goal, and celebrates with his team-mates.

I turn towards the half way line for the re-start while all around me yell. The defenders on the away team are screaming that they didn't have the chance to set up a wall. Their coach is screaming about the same thing - at least, I imagine he is. I've been ignoring him all game because he's a choleric knave, and I continue to do so now. I'm not about to waste my breath explaining the laws of the game to a ranting idiot. If he doesn't know them, that's his lookout. The same goes for his dirty, fouling, rat-shit team - a sporting collective modelled after their moronic mentor.

A very early yellow, and disallowing a beautiful goal

Games 20-21, 2019-20

I look at my watch - we've played 45 seconds of this boys' U19 game, and I've already shown the first caution. The away team's number 10 barrelled in to a challenge with no intent to play the ball, and every intent of sending the home team a signal. His opponent goes flying. Number 10 gets a bright yellow signal in return, along with a roar from my mouth that this is not how things are going to play out this afternoon. The home team's captain, shaping up to take the free-kick, whispers, "Thank you."

Lightning quick yellow...

My dad always used to say to me, "Make sure your first challenge counts. Go in hard so your opponent knows you're there and that you're serious." These were wasted words on me, unfortunately - as a lad I was built like a beanpole and tackling wasn't the strongest point of my game (my team-mates at the time said it wasn't part of my game at all). I wonder if the number 10 has a dad who offers him similar advice. He looks momentarily amazed that I've shown him a card so early on in the game, but then accepts it without any complaint...

Big news: there's no Law-endorsed right to organise a wall

Game 15, 2017-18

The home team is leading 1-0, and there are two minutes to go in this boys’ U15 game. After a six-player stramash in the arc outside the penalty area, I award a free-kick against the home team directly in front of their goal. They’ve been in the mood to moan all through the second half, encouraged by their collectively vociferous coaches and parents, but then they quickly realise that they’d better set about organising their wall.

Wall organised - but be quick about it

One of their players has already placed himself right in front of the ball, effectively neutralising the chance of a quick free-kick. There’s no punishment for this (if the kick is taken and he moves to block the ball, then I can I give a yellow card and award a re-take), and the only thing I can do is ask the away team if they would like me to mark out a wall. They duly say, “Yes”, and so I tell them to wait for the whistle.