The tragi-comic cries of an attention-seeking coach

Games 16-17, 2021-22

It was a clear and chill autumn weekend, and I really enjoyed both games that I refereed, but there was one disturbing factor in the boys' U19 game on Saturday - the away team's assistant coach. As I wrote in the inevitable disciplinary report, I wasn't quite sure what his role with the team was supposed to be, besides 'designated referee heckler'. His entire performance felt like something out of a comedy sketch show, where the repetitive absurdity of a personality disorder is played for laughs.

It starts with a yellow card for the away team's number 12 for a tactical foul on the quarter-hour mark, a clear and uncontested call. Except for the above-mentioned assistant coach, who starts yelling about this or that foul I supposedly haven't called for his team. I ignore his protests, but when I notice that the number 12 was listed as starting on the bench, I go over to ask whom he replaced in the starting XI. "I don't know," says the assistant coach dismissively, and continues instead to rant on about the injustice of the caution. I ask him to stop, but he doesn't, so I show him the yellow card.

This causes him to have an almighty row with the team's head coach. The now steaming and indignant assistant pulls on his jacket and demonstratively strides for the exit, which would have been the best possible solution all round. But then he comes back and stands on the touchline again...

What's the best position for corner kicks?

Game 15, 2021-22

After refereeing in the US for years on teams with three officials, I came to Germany seven years ago to find that due to parsimony and a chronic shortage of willing whistlers, thousands of youth and amateur games every weekend were staffed by a single referee. Among the several problems that presented (offside decisions being the main one) was the conundrum of where to stand at corner kicks.

During the very first game I reffed in this country, I was standing on the edge of the penalty area for a corner, slightly to the left of the goal. The ball was crossed, headed out, and a player shot from about 15 yards out. The shot either hit the angle of post and cross-bar, or momentarily entered the goal and came back out off the stanchion. The attacking team shouted 'Goal!' The defending team shouted back 'No way!' I shouted, 'Play on!' but to this day I have no idea if that was the right call or not. No one made a big fuss about it and the game continued - I think everyone else was just as clueless as I was.

Thank you very much for the early yellow

Games 12-14, 2021-22

Three very quiet matches in a row, perhaps due to them all being one-sided, but also helped in two games by me being able to set the tone for the 90 minutes. That is, the players give me the perfect opportunity to show an early yellow.

Both are boys' U19 games, the first one a cup quarter-final. A home defender strongly disagrees with my throw-in call just five minutes into the game, cursing and throwing the ball down hard against the ground. Young man, that's not the kind of behaviour we want to see here tonight, I say loudly (and much less diplomatically), so that players and spectators alike get the message. In the book he goes, and he's the only one of the night until a team-mate joins him five minutes before the end, for the same offence. Having made the decision to be ruthless on dissent this season, the yellow card now comes out of the pocket without me stopping to think about its necessity. It's the Law, lad.

In game 13, it's a hard, late challenge from an away team defender in the third minute, but initially I play advantage because the ball has run onto an attacker in space. That move fizzles out, but the ball stays in play for a good two minutes. I'd planned to show the defender the yellow card at the next stoppage, but then I start to doubt the decision. Will anyone even remember the offence by then? The more time you have to think about a decision, the harder it can be to decide if it's the right one. Ask any VAR.