"You should quit refereeing." The advice comes from a 17-year-old central defender at the end of a game where his team has lost by eight goals. He'd also been dismissed for his third bookable offence, having picked up a yellow card for dissent, a five-minute time penalty for a serious foul, and then a yellow-red card for upending an opponent in the penalty area just three minutes after returning to the field. So you can see why he'd want me to hang up my whistle. His football career would surely be advancing much quicker if referees would only wave play on every time he yells at them or kicks an opponent.
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| "Ref, if I could just give you some advice..." |
1' The home team's number 8 takes out an opponent with the game's very first tackle. Me (loudly): "Are you off your head? That's not how we're playing the game here today."
4' The away team's number 17 in central defence fouls the same forward twice in two minutes after he's been out-dribbled. "Two fouls already," I call out as I brandish the card. He doesn't foul again.
6' The away team's number 9 is tripped, but when the home player apologises and offers him a hand up, the number 9 squares up to him instead. Time for another short lecture, and a yellow for unsportsmanlike conduct. He can't believe it, of course. He was the one who was fouled.
After that, there's only a single, second-half caution for dissent, a short rant in my direction after a disputed corner kick/goal kick, which ends with the German equivalent of 'dude' ('Diggah'). Dude, I'm not your diggah. Now, your team's 3-0 down, why don't you focus on doing something about that instead?
This game's marginally more enjoyable, because the two teams mostly try to play football after the early yellows, and there are no more baby-macho face-offs. I also play a classic advantage on the home team's first goal, but despite my 'assist' I don't join in the celebrations. Maybe I should have, because no player turns around to say, "Great advantage there, diggah!"
There's still a surfeit of moaning from both teams, mainly about offside decisions. In the second half, the home team scores and the away team for once doesn't even appeal for offside - but there's only one defender in front of the last attacker, and it's not the keeper, who's far out of his goal and on the floor. There's predictable outrage from the home team when I whistle, and even a quick explanation makes no difference (why do I waste my breath?). One minute later, they score a legitimate goal and my shockingly correct application of the laws is already forgotten.
How do I react to the defender's suggestion the previous evening about hanging up the whistle? I pat him on the back and suggest that perhaps his own performance today was not exactly world class. "Yeah, yeah," he says, and that's the end of the conversation. Although at least he doesn't call me 'diggah'. (A refereeing colleague suggested I should just have responded with the word '12' - the number of goals his team conceded.)
"That was an unpleasant game," points out the home team's assistant coach as he pays me, despite his team having been the clear winners. I agree that it was absolutely no fun at all - not just one-sided, but nasty and temperamental on the part of their opponents, although much of their anger was confined to yelling at each other. Their entire team spirit was sealed inside a disinfectant capsule at the bottom of the First Aid kit.
So, we're back to competing for points at the bottom end of the city's youth leagues, and that continues to be a loud, stressful and pleasure-free zone for most concerned. Remind me again why we play sport? Oh yes, so we can blame the referee when we lose.
Game 33: 12-4 (6 x yellow, 1 x time-penalty, 1 x red)
Game 32: 8-1 (4 x yellow)
My new book 'Reffing Hell: Stuck in the Middle of a Game Gone Wrong' documents six years of whistling torment, tears and occasional ecstasy. Please buy a copy direct from Halcyon if you would like to support this blog and independent publishing.
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