Whenever I went to a birthday party as a kid, or just round to someone else's house for tea, my mum would drum it in to my head that, at the end of the afternoon, I should always remember to say thank you. When I got home, her first question was, "Did you remember?" Maybe you regard good manners as a bourgeois affectation, and you could be theoretically correct, but I'm nonetheless glad that I was taught the value and necessity of basic courtesy. It costs you nothing more than a few seconds and a little exercise of the tongue.
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| Please, show some merci |
On Saturday, I reffed a boys' U19 game, and it was pretty much par for
the course. A quiet first half followed by a rowdy second one, with much fouling, howling, protesting, and apparent contraventions of sporting justice. A short speech to the away team coach about him being a model for good behaviour rather than a tantrum-prone tower of twattery. A very lenient four yellow cards. The next day, I put out a tweet: "Boys' U19 yesterday: out of 29 players and four coaches there was a single, 'Thanks, ref', at game's end (away team's goalie). This is about average. I don't expect eulogies, just a touch more courtesy."
The tweet garnered a positive response, but also drew what another respondent called "a weird tweet" from a former referee claiming 25 years of experience in the game: "Did you approach the players to say thank you? Works both ways also I bet your [sic] the only one getting paid."
I wonder if this character goes to restaurants and, rather than telling the waiter, "Please send my compliments to the chef," storms into the kitchen and demands to know why the chef hasn't been out to thank him for eating there. After all, the chef's getting paid. Maybe as a kid his mum told him that when he left the birthday party, he should expect the hostess to thank him for making the effort to come, and for being magnanimous enough to accept the goody-bag on his way out the door.
As it happens, I will always thank both teams out loud at the end of the game if it's been a particularly sporting affair, or go into their changing rooms afterwards to say the same. It doesn't happen as often as I'd like, though - at most, half a dozen times a season (it should be every game). I'll also thank players for individual acts of honesty ("Ref, the ball came off me - it's their corner"), and also congratulate players who have had excellent games or scored particularly good goals. Respect is indeed a two-way street.
At the final whistle, though, it would be strange for the referee to start seeking out all 22 players and expressly thank them for... I don't know what, exactly. Not having behaved disgracefully enough to get themselves sent off? For only having complained loudly about a dozen out of 13 offside decisions? It would definitely come across as a bit odd, and certainly would look like I was desperately seeking gratitude in return. You can imagine the comments in the changing room. "Ref was a bit needy, wasn't he?"
As regular RT readers will know, I've also been a coach for 20 years, and when it comes to thanking the referee at the end of the game, I nag even more than my mum. "Did you say thank you to the referee?" There's no excuse not to, even if they gave a game-changing penalty against you in the last minute that you saw, let's say, from a different angle. And as a coach, I absolutely do not expect the referee to thank me until I'm handing them their expenses.
Last Tuesday (game 20), I reffed a tight, speedy and intense game between two men's teams on a short plastic pitch - I felt like I managed the game well enough, and took a lot of 'thank yous' and compliments at the final whistle. It shouldn't make a difference, though. Sure, we're the only ones getting paid (a nominal pittance), but we're not professionals. Even if you think we could and should have done better - and no doubt there are days when we could and should have - try and get over yourself and just say thank you anyway. Make the ref feel like coming back next week. Make the game a little better. Make yourself a little better too.
Game 20: 1-2 (3 x yellow)
Game 21: 2-5 (4 x yellow)
The tweet garnered a positive response, but also drew what another respondent called "a weird tweet" from a former referee claiming 25 years of experience in the game: "Did you approach the players to say thank you? Works both ways also I bet your [sic] the only one getting paid."
I wonder if this character goes to restaurants and, rather than telling the waiter, "Please send my compliments to the chef," storms into the kitchen and demands to know why the chef hasn't been out to thank him for eating there. After all, the chef's getting paid. Maybe as a kid his mum told him that when he left the birthday party, he should expect the hostess to thank him for making the effort to come, and for being magnanimous enough to accept the goody-bag on his way out the door.
As it happens, I will always thank both teams out loud at the end of the game if it's been a particularly sporting affair, or go into their changing rooms afterwards to say the same. It doesn't happen as often as I'd like, though - at most, half a dozen times a season (it should be every game). I'll also thank players for individual acts of honesty ("Ref, the ball came off me - it's their corner"), and also congratulate players who have had excellent games or scored particularly good goals. Respect is indeed a two-way street.
At the final whistle, though, it would be strange for the referee to start seeking out all 22 players and expressly thank them for... I don't know what, exactly. Not having behaved disgracefully enough to get themselves sent off? For only having complained loudly about a dozen out of 13 offside decisions? It would definitely come across as a bit odd, and certainly would look like I was desperately seeking gratitude in return. You can imagine the comments in the changing room. "Ref was a bit needy, wasn't he?"
As regular RT readers will know, I've also been a coach for 20 years, and when it comes to thanking the referee at the end of the game, I nag even more than my mum. "Did you say thank you to the referee?" There's no excuse not to, even if they gave a game-changing penalty against you in the last minute that you saw, let's say, from a different angle. And as a coach, I absolutely do not expect the referee to thank me until I'm handing them their expenses.
Last Tuesday (game 20), I reffed a tight, speedy and intense game between two men's teams on a short plastic pitch - I felt like I managed the game well enough, and took a lot of 'thank yous' and compliments at the final whistle. It shouldn't make a difference, though. Sure, we're the only ones getting paid (a nominal pittance), but we're not professionals. Even if you think we could and should have done better - and no doubt there are days when we could and should have - try and get over yourself and just say thank you anyway. Make the ref feel like coming back next week. Make the game a little better. Make yourself a little better too.
Game 20: 1-2 (3 x yellow)
Game 21: 2-5 (4 x yellow)
My new book 'Reffing Hell: Stuck in the Middle of a Game Gone Wrong' documents six years of whistling torment, tears and occasional ecstasy. Please buy a copy direct from Halcyon if you would like to support this blog and independent publishing.
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