The Fan Who Cried 'Scandal!'

Games 22-23, 2022-23

It's a sporting truth that the spectators on the touchline know the laws of the game much better than the qualified referee in the middle of the park. Accordingly, we hear from them all the time. In the second half of Sunday's game, following a corner kick cleared by the defending away team, I stay in position so that I'm standing directly in line with the defence as the home team plays the ball back into the danger area. Their number 6 is standing a yard offside, inside the 6-yard box, but moves back into an onside position to receive the pass.

He's about to turn and score when I blow my whistle and raise my arm, and of course he's frustrated. He blasts the ball out of play and curses, though not directly at me, so I don't show the yellow card - his team is five goals in arrears, so I let it go. I make the air traffic control gesture to indicate that he's come back to receive the ball from an offside position. Behind me, though, a lone spectator begins to bellow long and loud to the autumnal sky, finishing with the words, "That's an absolutely disgraceful decision! That's a scandal!" Among a crowd of maybe 60-70 people, I hope that at least one of them explains to him why he's shouting shite.

At moments like this, I'd love to have access to a video replay. "Look at this," I'd say to The Fan Who Cried Scandal. "Look at where the number 6 is standing when the ball is played. He's offside with some distance to spare, isn't he? The video shows it, right here when I press Pause. And somehow, you didn't see that. And somehow, you thought that you, you twat, saw it better than I did, even though you're over here on the touchline, and I'm right there out on the field, in line with play, just five yards from where the offside player was standing.

"And not only that, you thought that this was worth completely losing your rag about. With the score at 0-5 in a level 8 game out here in the arse-cheeks of absolutely fucking nowhere. You've totally exploded with rage and indignation here, haven't you, without any sense of proportion to the actual perceived injustice of the situation. What I'm really wanting to say, you short-wired, vituperative old bastard, is this: even if you'd been right, even if number 6 had been a fucking yard or five fucking yards onside - which he very clearly fucking wasn't - but even if he fucking had, then this would not have been worth one tenth of the fury you unleashed at me - the part-time hobby ref who took seven hours out of his weekend to come down here and officiate the game that you've got fuck all better to do in your sad little shitty existence than to come down here and watch. This is what your life has come to, old loser - screaming in public on a Sunday afternoon, about an offside call that's turned out to be one hundred per cent correct.

"So what have you got to say? Sorry? No, I thought not. Because it's hard to admit to the fact that you're a mutton-headed moron, isn't it? It's hard to cede that you're standing there behind the barrier of stupidity in your warm coat making out that you're occupying the spurious moral high ground, lording it above the so-called expert, ready to accuse and condemn and punish the wanker with the whistle who's so blind to the laws that you are prepared to scream charges of corruption and incompetence without a second's hesitation. Because then, you'd have to turn around and say, Oh, it's not the ref who's the dumbass here after all. It's me. The turd-tongued titan of tantrums. My apologies. Indirect free kick to the away team. As you were."

It's as much as I can do to stop myself from laughing, so absurdly wrong is the ranter. I explain to the number 6 why I gave the decision and he calms down. At the end of the generally peaceful and sporting game, he's one of several players that shakes my hand and says thank you. In fact, over the course of the weekend I have a brace of very fairly contested matches, aside from two incidents of momentary dissent. Two yellow cards for those, and one for foul play over 180 minutes - in all, a pair of enjoyable games, the Cry of Scandal aside.

It's getting chilly as the sun goes down. I've got a couple of weekends off, after which it will be colder still, but by then there will only be youth games until well after New Year, as the men will have stopped for the World Cup break. Don't ask me why, because none of them will be selected to play at the 2022 tournament, but that was a decision reached by top executives in the Hessen FA. And this was why the amateur clubs had to start their league campaigns back in scorching, drought-ravaged July when the previous season had barely finished, and half their players were still on holiday. If the fan on the touchline really needs something to get worked up about...

Game 22: 5-1 (1 x yellow)
Game 23: 0-5 (2 x yellow)

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